and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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