he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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