I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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