a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
false alarm, still single
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
