The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm like, not good at living.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
