just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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