it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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