Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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