I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
