You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
