There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
