My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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