no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
tell me about the fingering
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
