I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
