and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
