Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You are the jesus of drinking
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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