I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
