Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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