Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
birth control should be required to get into college
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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