Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
