Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
