My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
