my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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