Swine flu is the new snow day.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
