An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No subtext here. People are naked.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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