I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
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Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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