Can Purell be used as lube?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
