did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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