The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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