I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
