OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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