My cat gives me a boner
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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