I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
