Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just invented taco cereal.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
