I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.