I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.