Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.