I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
