Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
