dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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