I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
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I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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