On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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