I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
