Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
