My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
