I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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