Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
But break dance skills will only take you so far
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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