My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
