We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
