Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
