I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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