well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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