I puked a lego.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
