No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
