I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
