just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
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