I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
