My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
