Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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